Alexandria


Long had it been,
Perhaps. But there it happened;
I recall a night so far as the moon itself,
You had just breezed in,
No business was discussed with peers,
But goodness, did you possess such wit,
Such charm, such elegance;
You wore it so well…
I quite fancied that,
Or in fact, fell for it,
Fell hard enough for it to depart
From my beloved of the time.

Of course it was wrong, but my wrongs
Weren’t just mine.
Troublesome works echoed,
Believed to be as raw as the wounds I
Had given you not so later on;
Merciless, ruthless, cold and damned,
I had left my beloved for you,
A barrier to cross, peace to pieces,
I dropped you like the brick that
Struck my boyish endeavour;
I had broken your heart,
And wanted it back anyway,
The wise would have told you
That this would be the masterful trend to come.

Episodes of passion, lust and anger,
Oh, the flurry of our ruthless passion,
I loved and I wanted,
We breathed in the oxygen we made,
Pulled at the seams that our hard love strained,
God, had it been so raw and new,
Our tongues spoke more than just the language of love;
They spoke of anger, of hurt, pain and loss,
Words ripped right through our hearts,
On and off like an infectious itch,
Your words and memory etched not just on
My heart, but mind and soul,
Scars that fester upon my ridden skin,
Memories of the monster that lay dormant in me,
Oh, I longed desperately for tender loving care,
Understanding, knowledge of the demons
Which were no fabrications to yours,
You longed for belonging,
To be as good and as better than the people marked you for,
I made you belong, belong so dear,
That craving, that addiction,
You. Yes, you are my addiction,
And sought it to be my mission,
I gave promises that meant nothing,
When my drunken possession
Lay by the tragedy at hand;
A mother fell,
A father abandoned his children,
A sister worried for the broken,

I wanted to better you,
And better the broken in myself;
That sense and senselessness,
The glory of love,
So glutton, so greedy,
That feeling of belonging,
The incentive,
My incentive, you,
Love, you are my incentive,
And memories will not give me that
Given choice to let that go,
A boy who grew into his vengeful skin,
A wake in his eyes, now a man,
A man with nothing you want or need,
But a crazed mad man who carries
Nothing but broken glass in his pocket,
A fountain of his literature burst the cracks
After the empire had crumbled at his feet,
Paintings that hang on snapped wire
Remind him of the beautiful mess he made,
But selflessness no longer parades these empty lies,
I cannot give, but can pretend,
As if our love was a hidden theatre,
My heart: the stage and my mind: the curtains,
We’ll entertain until the blood drains from my veins.

Oh, but my pride takes no joy in the lost,
It possess me, weakens me selfishly,
A man cannot better himself with pride so well,
He cannot let go of both,
It will kill him, slowly and deeply,
From his soul right up through his mind,
Then his body, and finally to his grave,
Rotting until he lives in the worm that he became.

My love lives in the memories,
And the literature that litters your filters,
Literature that I didn’t write for so long,
And there, you gave me something to write about;

Alex was your name,
Alexandria, your alias,
One which peers made of,
And a name which meant more to me;
Everything we made and shared,
Was encapsulated in your alias,
It holds meaning,
Earthed deep like seed in my life,
So beautiful that it renders me weak,
But a reminder of what I did and said,
I abused you verbally,
And it hurt.
It hurt you badly,
So badly that it would snap patience
And surface questions;
I’d roar at you, call you names,
Mock you until you listened,
I’d push you around with selfish pride,
Though I wept, blindly deluded,
You wept because I had cut and bruised you,
Belittle you,
I would return to you,
Calmed and measured,
Pour my heart out to you,
Feeling pathetically sorry for myself,
Outridden by stupidity,
I knew I had done wrong,
But what better way to better myself?
I was in love, and it ruled me out so well,
We argued about stupid things,
Our minds were as attuned as the facts we read,
One tugged the other, set in stone,
One way was better than the other,

I haven’t forgotten your name,
What you mean to me,
What I did to you,
And what you bestowed upon me,
You saved me, and I saved you,
But I twisted and changed the more we fought,
Soon to fall into the darkest depths once more…

I betrayed you with broken promises,
But, God, I am not fit for you,
Fitted we were, but the chance of me,
Being with such a beautiful young woman,
Who’s set for a future without a monster of a man like me,
I cannot bear this torment, this torture,
Your beauty and face pulls my ship down into the reefs,
The memories that shine through your eyes,
Those lips which titillate and tantalise,
It pulls and rips me apart from the inside and out,
Nights here and there, just darkness that screams,
I worry and I cry,
Draw me out and bleed me dry,
Walls that surround me beat my knuckles raw,
My head, hit over and over again,
Reboot the wretched once more,
Nothing, nothing again,
Twist and roll,
I can write, I can rehearse,
I can bleed and I can kick and shout,
But nothing, nothing no more, no better,
I am ripped apart and suffering,
I lost my future in my own hands,
Your wondrous intellect, spread across every spectrum,
Your wavy locks, those deep brown eyes,
The numerous façades you had with just a turn,
Your laugh, your smile,
Your voice, and your sweet song,
All gone, all gone,

So much, just so much,
Too much, but enough muchness;
Live a life safely, for my spirit will rest upon your shoulder,
Watch every street you walk to guide you home,
Watch your career grow into a passion,
Your dreams that you always told me about,
That country house where your restaurant will be,
Or the love for make up to lead you further,
Felix, Tala-Nyx, names for your heirs, perhaps,
No matter the journey, be it the best without trouble,
Without me

You followed me into the dark,
To hold my hand, to fix me,
Our song, that song,
I’ll listen to you sing until I am deaf,
Until I cannot see through the tears anymore,
Until my heart skips and stops,
And until I remember that very moment,
When I met you,
When I said that I love you;
I love you, Alex, forever and always.

It will carry me to rest,
The lost paradise,
I love you, I still love you,
I know no better than that,
Everyone can see,
Everyone can shake their heads,
But I give, I give,
And there you are,
A perfect fabrication of my home,
Where I felt safe from the faces,
From the broken,

Branded me as a stranger –
You will not be so interested any more,
My conscience had told me so,
And there it happened,
In a familiar place, at a familiar time,
Goodbye isn’t even right,
“I love you” would not satisfy,
A call, a face,
To touch your hand would be a dream come true,
But it’s gone, my hardened loss,
The tragic spin of madness engraves and buries itself,
My incentive
Live for me,
Remember me,

Because,
I cannot bear it anymore,
Sweet, sweet, Alexandria.

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